A young, tech-savvy IT guy comes to confession for the first time. He stands there for a long moment, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, then finally approaches the priest and says:
“Father, I jotted down my sins… but I don’t have them on paper. I saved them in the Notes app on my smartphone. Can I read them from the screen?”
The elderly priest glances at the gadget, makes the sign of the cross, and replies:
“Go ahead. It’s a good thing you didn’t upload them straight to the cloud – Archangel Michael already has enough work dealing with our databases.”
An exam in homiletics (the art of preaching) is underway. A seminarian walks up to the lectern, pauses dramatically for a long moment, looks at the examination board, and finally asks in a solemn tone:
“Brothers and sisters! Do you know what I am about to tell you?”
The whole class replies:
“No!”
“Well then,” says the seminarian, “if you don’t know, there’s no point in talking about it,” – and walks off.
They bring him back: “Try again.”
He returns to the lectern:
“Brothers and sisters! Do you know what I am about to tell you?”
This time, deciding to play along, everyone answers:
“Yes!”
“Well, if you already know, there’s nothing left for me to explain,” replies the quick-witted student, heading once more for the door.
The professor, laughing, says: “One last chance!”
For the third time, the seminarian steps up:
“Brothers and sisters! Do you know what I am about to tell you?”
Half the room shouts, “Yes!” while the other half cries, “No!”
Without missing a beat, the seminarian replies:
“Excellent. Then let those who know tell those who don’t. As for me – I’m dismissed!”
A monk was very proud of his fasting. And then he had a dream that he was standing at the gates of paradise. An angel looked in a book and said:
– So, we're crossing out meat, milk, eggs from your menu... Wow, you didn't even eat fish! Amazing.
The monk beamed. The angel continued:
– But in the "People" column it says that for breakfast you devoured a novice, for lunch – an abbot, and for dinner – all the pilgrims whole. Go on, dear, digest that, there's no room in paradise.
A little girl is saying her bedtime prayer:
“Lord, please make all bad people good, and all good people even better. And please move the city of Rome to Africa!”
Her mother, hearing this, is surprised:
“Why would you want Rome to be in Africa, dear?”
“Because that’s what I wrote on my geography test!”
A parishioner comes to the rector:
"Father, I have committed a terrible sin – I looked in the mirror and thought that I am very beautiful!"
The priest looked at her closely and replied:
"Calm down, my daughter. This is not a sin, this is a conscientious delusion!"
A young altar server rang the bells so fervently at Pascha that the old bell-ringer couldn’t take it anymore and climbed up the belfry.
“What are you doing, lad, ringing like an alarm? This is supposed to be joy – but you sound like there’s a fire in hell!”
“But, grandpa, I’m ringing with all my heart, so all the sinners will wake up!”
“The sinners will wake up,” the old man sighed, “but I’m afraid the first to wake will be those in the house next door who just got off the night shift. And after your ringing, they’ll have only one question: how to send you to the Kingdom of Heaven without waiting in line.”
At the choir rehearsal, the choirmaster, driven to complete despair by the false singing of the basses, stops the choir. He removes his glasses, wipes them with a handkerchief for a long time, and says quietly, with deep pain:
– Brothers... I fully understand that you are singing not by notes, but exclusively by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. But could you perhaps ask the Lord for the grace to stay at least within one key?