– Father, my husband and I are always arguing about who’s the boss in our family. How should we settle this as Christians?
– Easy! Let your husband be the boss when there’s a nail to hammer into the wall or a heavy bag of groceries to carry. And you can be the boss of everything else! Trust me, he’ll even thank you for this division of power.
After a Sunday school lesson, the teacher asks seven-year-old Pete:
- Pete, do you know what "God's omniscience" means?
- Of course! It's when God knows in advance that I forgot my diary again, but still gives me a chance to say the dog ate it!
A parish saying:
“Year one in church: theologian and teacher. Year two: sinner and humble penitent. Year three: just making sure the candles are straight and the candle stand isn’t wobbling.”
– Father, tell me, do I have to pray standing up, or can I sit?
– You can pray even lying down! The main thing is to make sure your soul doesn’t fall asleep.
A young priest decided to deliver a sermon on the importance of non-acquisitiveness. Inspired, he speaks from the ambo:
– Brothers and sisters! Look at the birds of the air! They do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, nor worry about tomorrow – and the Lord feeds them!
After the service, the parish warden enters the altar, places a thick stack of bills for electricity, heating, and water for the church on the table, and says:
– Father, the sermon was wonderful! But when the utility workers come with a notice of disconnection, may I crumble some bread for them instead of money?
The Liturgy is coming to an end. The rector comes out to the ambo with an announcement to the congregation:
– Dear brothers and sisters! I would like to remind you that next week we are beginning the renovation of the parish house. In this regard, I have two pieces of news for you: one is good, and the second ... shall we say, requires faith.
The people in the church fall silent. The priest continues:
– The good news is that our parish already has all the money needed to fully complete the renovation!
A relieved whisper spreads through the church: "Glory to God! What a sponsor has been found!"
The rector pauses, smiles, and adds:
– And the second piece of news: all of that money is still currently in your pockets and wallets. But I have firm faith that the Lord will help you get it out of there!
A young woman, terrified and visibly shaken, rushes into a church in the middle of the week and runs straight to the duty priest.
"Father, please help me! Something terrible has happened! This morning I accidentally spilled my Thursday salt, then a black cat ran across my path, and to make matters worse, the little mirror in my pocket cracked! It has to be a sign, doesn't it? I'm cursed now! Or someone has put the evil eye on me! What should I do? What prayer service should I request?"
The priest sighed sadly, made the sign of the Cross over her, and replied calmly:
"All right, here's the remedy. Go home, stand in front of a mirror, look carefully at yourself, and say out loud three times:
'I am an Orthodox Christian, not a member of the Mumba-Yumba tribe.'
Usually works instantly.
The problem is simply that your faith in superstitions has become stronger than your faith in God.
Go in peace. And stop offending cats."