A monk was very proud of his fasting. And then he had a dream that he was standing at the gates of paradise. An angel looked in a book and said:

– So, we're crossing out meat, milk, eggs from your menu... Wow, you didn't even eat fish! Amazing.

The monk beamed. The angel continued:

– But in the "People" column it says that for breakfast you devoured a novice, for lunch – an abbot, and for dinner – all the pilgrims whole. Go on, dear, digest that, there's no room in paradise.

A parishioner comes to the rector:

"Father, I have committed a terrible sin – I looked in the mirror and thought that I am very beautiful!"

The priest looked at her closely and replied:

"Calm down, my daughter. This is not a sin, this is a conscientious delusion!"

At the choir rehearsal, the choirmaster, driven to complete despair by the false singing of the basses, stops the choir. He removes his glasses, wipes them with a handkerchief for a long time, and says quietly, with deep pain:

– Brothers... I fully understand that you are singing not by notes, but exclusively by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. But could you perhaps ask the Lord for the grace to stay at least within one key?

Real life. A little girl in church is watching a wedding. She whispers to her mother:

– Mom, why is the bride all in white?
– Because today is the happiest day of her life!
– Oh… now I understand why the groom is all in black.

Despondency is when you long to take your soul out for a change of scenery, and it dislikes every view.

Just when you’re about to pray, “Lord, crush the bones of sinners!” – your own bones start aching so bad you don’t know what to say anymore.

– Father, I think the smear campaign against the UOC was ordered from the top.
– No, son. It wasn’t from the top. It came from the bottom. Rock bottom.