The Divine Liturgy is underway. In the church, a typical “church matron” spots a young man – he’s standing the wrong way, crossing himself at the wrong moments, and wearing jeans. She hisses in his ear:
“Young man, you’re standing wrong! And you’re lighting the candle with the wrong hand! God won’t hear you!”
The young man turns to her and whispers back:
“Strange. I thought His connection was perfectly fine – turns out He just has a lousy secretary at the door.”
A woman comes to a priest – dressed head-to-toe in black, eyes cast down.
“Father, I’m so sinful… so worthless… just an earthworm… dust and ashes…”
The priest studies her for a moment and says:
“My dear, why be so dramatic? Dust and ashes are minerals, at least. You’re just a regular cranky auntie who’s once again forgotten to wash the dishes and make peace with her daughter-in-law. Let’s start our ‘humility’ right there.”
A man walks into a church shop.
“Excuse me, do you have candles worth five hryvnias?”
“Of course we do.”
“And they’re definitely blessed, right?”
The shop lady doesn’t even blink:
“Young man, for five hryvnias they’re not just blessed – they’re self-absolving. Once the candle burns down, one minor sin is automatically cancelled. But if you want the serious all-inclusive package, take the one for fifty.”
Seminary classics. A Liturgy exam is underway. The professor questions a lazy student:
“Tell me, my dear fellow – what does the smoke from the censer symbolize?”
The student, painfully trying to recall his notes:
“Uh… the smoke symbolizes… the prayers of the faithful, rising up to heaven?”
The professor, sighing:
“That’s the ideal, colleague. In real life, the smoke symbolizes the fact that the deacon once again forgot to clean the censer on time. Off you go – a C.”
Real life. A little girl in church is watching a wedding. She whispers to her mother:
– Mom, why is the bride all in white?
– Because today is the happiest day of her life!
– Oh… now I understand why the groom is all in black.
From the Paterikon. One brother asked an elder:
“Father, what should I do? I’m constantly judging other people.”
The elder replied:
“Well then, my child, eat more and sleep more.”
The brother was puzzled:
“How is that supposed to help?”
The elder answered:
“Well, while you’re eating and sleeping, at least your mouth is busy and you’re not talking — which means you’re not judging anyone.”
A priest is arguing with an atheist about miracles.
The atheist keeps insisting they don’t exist.
So the priest starts giving examples:
“Let’s say a man falls off a bell tower and survives. What would you call that?”
“Uh… that’s just a coincidence,” the atheist replies.
“All right,” the priest continues, “and if he falls off the bell tower a second time and survives again?”
“Well, that’s luck,” the atheist says.
Then the priest asks a third time:
“Suppose the same man falls off the bell tower a third time and still survives. What do you call that?”
“Uh… that’s… that’s a habit!”